I hope I don’t regret this
Sometimes I feel like I’m keeping a giant secret.
I don’t talk about religion much. Correction: I try to avoid talking about religion with every fiber of my being. I’ve perfected the art of just nodding my head and smiling, like I’m in perfect agreement with whatever rhetoric is being spewn. Whatever it takes to not have to have that awkward silence.
I feel surrounded by God. Not in a spiritual sense. In a sense that everyone is always asking for a prayer or forgiveness or a miracle. Pray for this, pray for that, we’re praying for you. Look at this miracle, look what prayer did! Look what God did.
What would happen if one day I finally said, But I don’t pray.
How would things change if I stopped feeling obligated to keep it to myself and wasn’t absolutely terrified to say, I’m not sure I think God exists.
I was involved in a small debate today, in the drama epicenter that is Facebook. One of my friends chose to use her status message as a means to voice her disapproval of the Islamic prayer gathering that is to take place on Capitol Hill. And just take my word when I say that “voice her disapproval” is cutting her a gigantic break because her phrasing? Not that nice.
Now, this girl and I grew up in the same tiny Texas town. Heart of the Bible belt, the type of place where you either go to church or you just don’t exist. Lots of Southern Baptists and lots of It’s-our-way-or-no-way. I was raised in the Christian church, just like everyone else. But somewhere along the way, something changed. I felt like all I had were questions and doubts. That has carried on through to my adult life and for the most part, I just ignore it. I do the nod and smile and hope that one day maybe something will make sense to me again.
But back to the Facebook drama. I read her status. And then I read it again. And again, my brow curling into a confused arch as I tried to comprehend what was so horrible about this gathering. I clicked the link she provided, thinking there must be something I was missing. But no. These people are gathering on Capitol Hill to do what? Set something on fire? Rip their clothes open to reveal bombs duct-taped to their chests? Indict Obama into the Muslim Hall of Fame? Erm, no.
To do nothing more than pray.
Her many supporters got into a heated discussion about the history of Islam and somewhere, someone threw out that God punishes people who don’t do right in his eyes.
Which completely pushed me over the edge, and led to me spewing that I don’t believe in any sort of god, and that I refuse to believe that there is a god who only punishes the bad people, and all you have to do is follow what he says and you can float up into the clouds when you die while everyone else burns in a fiery eternity at the hands of satan. I just can’t make myself believe that.
Because there is so, SO much evil and hurt and despair in this world that is bestowed on good people. People who don’t deserve one iota of the pain they are forced to endure. All you have to do is take a quick glance around the blogosphere to see the massive number of devout religious families who are dealt death, illness and tragedy. Sometimes I wonder if it really has nothing to do with God, but more with the fact that maybe that stuff is given to those people because they have the blind faith needed to get through it. And mother nature just kind of knows that.
I look at my own life, and some of the sins I have committed, and I wonder why, so far, I have been spared the punishment? If it’s true that God punishes the non-believers and the sinners, then why am I so incredibly blessed despite my immense faults? And I hate that I’m so superstitious that I’m afraid just writing those thoughts out will cause something bad to happen.
All that to say that I’m confused, very confused, on where I belong in this whole spectrum of faith. There’s a lot I simply don’t understand.
But most of all, I’m afraid – afraid because I have no fucking clue how to even begin to explain things like this to my children. We don’t go to church. Along with that comes a fear that they’ll some day resent me for not giving them a better foundation for religion. I want them to choose for themselves what to believe, but feel like I don’t possess the knowledge to give them the information to do so.
Most of all, I don’t want them to know the torture that comes with one day realizing that you don’t fit in with the only way of life you have ever known. I want them to go through life knowing that there is good, and there is bad, you get a little of both, and some people get more of one than the other. Sometimes you can control the ratio with your actions, but sometimes you can’t. And all you can do is live your life while having tolerance for the way other people live theirs, because there’s enough hate in the world already without adding any more to it.
Well. I guess I just start with that, huh?
I suppose it’s time to hit Publish.
I can totally relate to what you say and I think you summed it up perfectly in the last paragraph. Sounds to me like you know exactly what to tell your children – at least that seems to me to be definitely a good place to start. Much better than indoctrinating them with a one-sided view of things.
Alicia Reply:
September 23rd, 2009 at 11:24 am
@jessie bowen,
Glad to know that there are actually other people out there who feel this way. Puts my mind at ease.
Awesome blog!! You said it well. You were honest.
I was raised Christian – went to church & private school until my freshman year of high school. Conrad was raised without religion. We have chosen to share with Con (Col when he is older) anything he would like to know about Jesus. He has asked questions, we have answered. We want to raise them to make their own decisions – to be positive – to love everyone, that being “different” is OK (& not looked down upon as it can be in religion), etc.
There is something about telling a child “if you don’t OBEY the bible, you will burn in hell” that rubs me the wrong way. Heh.
Don’t regret being honest. This is how you feel, and honestly how most people feel these days IMO. I admire your “balls” for doing so.
Alicia Reply:
September 23rd, 2009 at 11:25 am
@Keisha,
Thanks Keisha. You and I are so much alike, it’s really a shame we live like 27 states apart. <3
Keisha Reply:
September 23rd, 2009 at 12:10 pm
@Alicia, Haha, no kidding!!
We touched on this topic a bit the other day, don’t be ashamed…i have the exact same thoughts and feelings. VERY well said. =)
Alicia Reply:
September 23rd, 2009 at 12:05 pm
@Heather Robards,
Thanks Heather
Brave post
And I can relate.
Alicia Reply:
September 23rd, 2009 at 11:23 am
@Amanda,
I am so relieved to hear that.
This is a great post & don’t be afraid to publish!
Alicia Reply:
September 23rd, 2009 at 11:22 am
@Claudia,
Thank you.
I look at my FB page sometimes and there are statuses from my friends and family saying things like “My husband got a promotion, GOD IS GOOD!” and I am like “… Uh. I wasn’t aware God worked there?”
On the one hand, it’s fine that people have their faith, if it is what gets them through things that they wouldn’t otherwise be able to handle- that’s wonderful.
On the other hand, sometimes it feels like religion is being shoved down my throat from all sides (I won’t even get into the religion I was brought up in and the struggles I’ve been having regarding that for the last five years, none of which I can even talk about on my blog because my family reads it…).
No, I don’t believe there is a god that sits there and goes “Ok, Bob is really nice to his family, I’m going to make his boss promote him today. Mary prayed to me so I’m going to let her get pregnant. Jan is a lesbian, I will make sure bad things happen to her often. And Abdul? Pfft. Muslim, GOODBYE.” So if God is in charge or rewarding the good people and punishing the bad people, why DO bad things happen to good people? They all say he’s ‘testing’ them- but he loves them, right? So what kind of person does that to someone they love?
So basically, yeah. I don’t know what to tell my kids either about all this stuff. I am not sure if I believe in God either, and if I do, I surely don’t believe he’s got such an active role as to be able to control what happens in our daily lives. But how do I convey it without making it sound like I feel that religious people are idiots? Because despite how it may be coming across here, I don’t think that. Everyone has the right to believe what they want and I want my kids to feel like they can choose without me being like “ew you’re one of those GOD PEOPLE!”
Like you said, things just happen. Some are good and some are bad and sometimes you can control how much good and how much bad but mostly you just can’t.
Holy long comment. STFU Rachel.
Alicia Reply:
September 23rd, 2009 at 11:21 am
@Rachel,
No, don’t STFU – I agree with every word. You put it so much better than I could.
I often wonder how people keep their faith in the event of a tragedy. So often I see them say that God has a plan and they trust him even if they don’t understand. I just, personally, could not do that. If anything horrible ever happened to me I would just be furious and want to punch things and believe in God even less than I do now. I guess in a way I’m kind of envious, because I know I could never have that much peace and faith.
My family reads this blog too, which was one big reason I was afraid to even talk about it. But I guess it’s just one of the steps I have to take towards not being afraid to just be who I am. All night and all morning I kept contemplating jumping on the computer and making the post private. But seeing all the comments saying that it’s okay makes me feel a lot better.
Rachel Reply:
September 23rd, 2009 at 12:21 pm
@Alicia, I really admire that you put this out there. I am so scared. Within the religion I was raised, there are huge repercussions for rejecting the faith. I have been torn over what to do for years now and I have a lot of bitterness because of it. One of my best friends (raised same religion) is now in a situation where her parents and brother will have nothing at all to do with her because she has turned away from the religion and that makes me even MADDER- she’s doing nothing wrong, nothing illegal or morally questionable, she just doesn’t participate in religious practices and thus they pretend like she and her children don’t exist. What sort of god would condone that?!
I think about this stuff a LOT. And I do have many Christian friends with very strong faith, which I admire. Some people, it feels like they are religious simply so that they can tell you how religious they are. Others are religious for themselves. There is a huge difference.
Although I don’t agree with the very bones of this post, I commend you for making your own decisions. What’s wrong with most Christians is that they are not Christ-like at all. Most are uneducated in their religion, and just jump on the bandwagon of what other “Christians” are doing. AND most are incredibly judgmental.
Even if I don’t agree witht he Muslim religion, we live in a country that is free. Muslims, Buddhists, and Christians are free to practice their religion with no fear of persecution. Our country was founded by Christians and on Christian principles but is not a “Christian Nation” and I hope it never becomes one. That would smack our Founding Fathers in the face because that is exactly the reason they left their homeland and started the U.S.A..
I hope you don’t regret this post either. It is a great post from a great wife, mommy, and person!
Alicia Reply:
September 23rd, 2009 at 11:44 am
@Alyssa,
I was hoping you would comment. I’m very curious how people from a Christian standpoint would feel about this and I’m glad you spoke up.
The thing that bothered me most about the whole comment thread is that the ones who were calling themselves Christians were the ones being judgmental and hateful. Now, I don’t claim to be an expert on Christianity, I only know what I was taught growing up in church. But I do know that it’s my take that you’re supposed to love your neighbor regardless of his sins because only God can judge those people. It’s not your place to judge.
I do think that even though I’m not a religious person, for the most part I live my life the way a Christian would – I don’t lie, I don’t hate, I love everyone as much as I can, I try not to judge. Sometimes I make bad choices like everyone else and the only difference is that I don’t pray for forgiveness because it doesn’t feel right in my heart. I try to just forgive myself and learn from it and do better the next time around.
You are such an awesome woman and it makes me happy to read that last line, coming from you.
I think for every person that lives their life devoted to their beliefs in religion there is a person who is questioning everything they thought they ever knew.
When I’m down and don’t think things could get any worse I wonder if God is just someone to fill the big empty space above us and if prayer is just meant to fill the quiet loneliness before we fall asleep.
But then I have these moments in life where I’m at my highest points and can’t help but to thank my God.
At this point in my life any organized religion is just too cult like for me. Like you, I believe there is good and evil, right and wrong… but beyond that I’m not sure. And being 23 and unsure, I wonder if I ever really have to know. I’ve come this far in life with getting by on just being a good person, I think I can continue this way.
Alicia Reply:
September 23rd, 2009 at 12:04 pm
@Courtney,
So very well put.
I often wonder how many people mention God and prayer but don’t actually believe in what they are doing or saying.
I agree, I think I might be satisfied with not really ever having a definite answer.
Great post. I remember when my nephew was very sick with cancer and then end was near, one very conservative Christian friend suggested that if we did a 24 hour prayer vigil, he might be cured. I had this mental picture of God up in heaven sitting on a cloud holding a watch saying “Well, if they pray for 1 more hour I will heal this child.” It just seemed so illogical to me but my friend really and truly believed that.
I have had some of the same thoughts as you. I am lucky to have found a really open-minded church that allows me to take my kids to Sunday School but not feel manipulated. I am very thankful for that.
Please don’t regret your post. Have you seen the Bill Maher’s documentary, Religulous? I think you would like it.
Alyssa Reply:
September 23rd, 2009 at 1:38 pm
@Angela,
Not only is it illogical, but wrong. We don’t pray to “change God’s mind” about something. We pray to let Him know our hearts just as you would tell a friend about something that he/she can’t or won’t do anything about. That is one of my pet peeves as a Christian.
Sorry, had to throw that in there…
I do enjoy reading all of these open minded, civil discussions. Talking about religion or the lack thereof doesn’t have to be a dread for either side!
Alicia Reply:
September 23rd, 2009 at 2:24 pm
@Angela,
That is heart-wrenching.
But yeah, I don’t understand that either. I don’t think there is a God who decides who lives and who dies. I just can’t comprehend that a loving god would cause children to die. Just one of the many reasons I have a hard time believing.
I should look around more and try to find a church that I could take the boys to from time to time. But as far as I know, most of the churches in our area are very strict and wouldn’t be open to someone who questioned the faith.
I haven’t seen that – will definitely be checking it out.
Angela Reply:
September 23rd, 2009 at 2:29 pm
@Alicia,
I think in general Canadians are alot less religious than Americans. There aren’t alot of conservative Christians here. I have been to a couple of churches like that were very strict and I felt like a real outsider:(
Dude. I don’t know how or why I stumbled on to your blog but I am SO GLAD I DID!!! I wrote on mine last night about some shit I’ve been going through and I got a bunch of “you need Jesus in your life” from my readers and from my broher’s wife on my Facebook. I was beyond pissed. SO irritated that someone would try to push their beliefs on me instead of just fucking LISTENING to what I was saying, you know? Like, I would never make a mix of punk rock and try to push it on them just because it’s something that I love in the same way they push it on me because religion is something they love. Ya know? Serious.
P.S. I am tattooed too!
XOXO Sarah.
http://www.thatswhatshesaidlive.com
Alicia Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
@Sarah,
Thanks for the love!
Off to check out your blog. I’ll be a dissenter among the Jesus people for ya.
Blogging about religion was one of the scariest things I’ve done on my blog.
I’m glad you said all this.
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Get upset! Get motivated and get pissed off. Generally this will allow you to take the inititive to make things happen.
Interesting point of view. Wondering what you think of it’s implication on society as a whole though? People obviously get frustrated when it begins to affect them locally. I’ll check back to see what you have to say.
Sometimes I question the internet and what is posted? Recently it seems to have become an epidemic, recently though it has turned around. What do you think?
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This makes me somewhat upset. I’m not saying you are responsible, really I think its everyone else that is responsible.
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Sometimes I question the internet and what is posted? The internet never used to be like that, although it seems to be changing for the better. What do you think?
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Wow I’m frustrated. I’m not calling you out though, personally I think that its those that aren’t motivated to change.
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I’m wondering if you have noticed how the media has changed? What used to neve be brought up or discussed has changed. It’s that time to chagnge our stance on this though.
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I’m curious if you ever have problems with what people post? Recently it seems to have become an epidemic, except that recently it seems to have become better. What do you think?
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