Tattoos and Drool

Happy Halloween (and a swift middle finger)

Costumes were a hit, trick-or-treating was a success, loads of candy that will mostly be eaten by me was procured.

They looked freakin’ cute.

And, the neighborhood assholes teenagers left us a lovely “trick.” How adorable of them.

And the community we live in? Why, it’s so fabulous that not only will the homeowners association (which we pay a ridiculous amount in fees to) NOT cover the repair costs, they will also drive by and give us a ticket and a fine if we don’t have it fixed immediately. Welcome to suburbia!

Our family is growing

Avonlea turned three months old yesterday, which warrants a milestone post. I have her picture ready and everything. But it will have to wait until tomorrow, because today was all about this little lady.

Her name is Neva. She made me an aunt for the first time at 5:15 this morning. Welcome, pretty girl!

*there go my teary eyes for the 54th time today*

Home is where your Wii is

The most depressing part about vacation, and the part that makes you wonder what could have possessed you to subject yourself to such an inhumane form of torture, is the drive home. Even though the kids were angels (GASP! SHOCK!) Shelby and I were about ready to toss out some banana peels and red shells Mario Kart style by hour seven.

Which brings me to a subject I must address. Two-lane highways. We’ve all driven on them, yes? We all know what the left lane is for, yes? Faster traffic and passing, yes? Most commonly, going slightly above the speed limit, yes? WELL NO, NO APPARENTLY EVERYONE DOES NOT KNOW THAT. And apparently everyone does not also know that if you take a quick glance in your rear view mirror and notice that there is a line of bumper-to-bumper traffic behind you FIFTY FRICKING MILES LONG, maybe you should get your ass back over in the right lane. There had to have been fiery hot daggers visibly shooting from my eyeballs because I was NOT. HAPPY. For at least an hour we drove behind morons like this, constantly having to slam on our breaks because they were tailgating each other going SIXTY-FIVE IN A SEVENTY. IN THE LEFT LANE. AND YES THE ALL CAPS ARE NECESSARY BECAUSE THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS.

Ahem.

Oh, and Chicago drivers? Eff you. Plz to not be slamming on your breaks at 75 miles per hour just because you see a cop clocking people. Guess what, brainiac, he’s probably already clocked you long before you pass him. So lets not be taunting death by bringing my front bumper within millimeters of your tailpipe, mmkay?

Road rage? Moi?

Other than the torturous trip home, our third Wisconsin vacation was fabulous. Surprisingly relaxing, or as relaxing as it can be without leaving the kids locked in a closet at home with a box of Twinkies. All three were appropriately fawned over and spoiled, and we all survived no TV for a whole week. Beckett learned to climb out of his crib, Sawyer only took a sleep-walking adventure that involved using the carpet as a urinal once, and Avonlea SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT once. Yes, my poor boobs were feeling that one.

My mom hosted a Tupperware party for me and even though I felt like a blubbering idiot through half of my demonstration, the guests seemed to enjoy themselves, my mom got free stuff and I made some decent commission. I got to eat delicious cheese curds not once but twice, as well as a burger called the Horseshoe that sounded and looked lots better than it actually tasted. Shelby and the boys spent copious amounts of time outside, digging in the dirt, fishing, and doing general dirty gross boy activities. And we all had to hold back the giggles and snorts every time a waitress said “Theere ya gooo!” Sarah Palin style. And the weather. OMG the weather. was. GORGEOUS. Still working on whittling Shelby down enough to convince him we need to move.

I’m kicking myself now because my camera stayed packed away in the diaper bag until the last day and that is so unlike me. So I have little to no photo evidence of the trip, sadly. However, the boys tripped my dad’s wildlife cameras a couple different times, which made for some pretty priceless photography:

As fun as it was and as much as I miss my family again already, we’re glad to be home. Sawyer especially, because he missed the Wii so much that I think he might hug it and kiss it and ask to take it to bed with him tonight. He likes to play in the Mii plaza and create new Miis. He played my sister’s but wasn’t allowed to touch her Miis and it drove him insane. He’s already told me he plans to make a new Mommy Mii with a “crazy mouth.” This is to go along with the one he already made of me that is sporting a fu manchu and squinty eyes. That is, if he and Beckett don’t kill each other before nap time.

Ah, home sweet home.

Surviving

We are surviving. And doing a pretty good job of it, if you ask me. I might even say we are thriving. After I kind of dropped off the face of the earth with my last post about being so incredibly scared of life with three children, it probably gave a bad impression. But really, I’m doing okay.

That first week alone went HEAPS better than I could have ever expected or imagined. Avonlea is a dream baby. Seriously. I have never met such a laid back, easy going, happy newborn. I think she must have known that mama needed a little help because I don’t know if I could have survived having another high needs infant. I am so grateful.

The week after that, my mom and sister came down and stayed for a week, which was heavenly. One of my biggest issues is feeling completely alone, and for a whole week I was surrounded by the people I love and didn’t have to be lonely. Not having them close by is so hard. SO incredibly hard. Those of you have have family nearby, no matter how crazy they make you sometimes, CHERISH IT. You don’t know how lucky you are.

The past few days, we’ve been thrown another curve ball that has sent my anxiety through the roof. Avonlea developed a rash on her face. It started out as a couple little red pimples and just multiplied from there. I figured we were just getting plagued with baby acne again and would have to ride it out. But it kept getting worse, and by Monday her whole face, ears and scalp were covered with a raised, crusty rash. I called the pediatrician, which I rarely do, and took her in. “Oh, yes, that just looks like baby acne. There’s nothing you can do but wait.” Really? This is baby acne?

I wish the picture was able to capture how red and inflamed this rash looks, because it’s bad. It is absolutely killing me to see my precious baby this way. So needless to say, I was not content with the pediatrician’s “diagnosis.” *insert gigantic eyeroll here* So yesterday, we saw our wonderful midwives, who took one look at the rash and said, “It’s yeast.” I cried. Both because I was glad to have an answer and because I was terrified. I’m sure every mom has heard the horror stories about how resistant yeast can be. What if I can’t get rid of this? What if it gets worse, and turns into thrush on top of this incredibly ugly rash that already makes people stare and question?

I’m trying not to get ahead of myself and just take it one day at a time, but that’s just what my mind does. It latches onto the worst possible scenario and runs like lightning with it. I keep thinking “everything will be so much easier when this is gone!” I hate it. I want my perfect little baby back. I don’t want her to have to deal with this.

So for now we’re doing two things. Applying apple cider vinegar topically to change the pH of her skin, and – this part really sucks – I have to remove all sugars and simple carbohydrates from my diet for at least two weeks. Awesome, no? I’m only on day two and I’m already struggling. I am just not a meat and veggies girl, and well, that’s about all I can eat. So it sucks. But I’ll do it because I really don’t want to deal with this for even one more day. Avie is such a sweetheart and any time I’d take her out before the rash, I’d get tons of ooooohs and how cutes and so preciouses. Now, no one says anything. I’ll see their eyes light up as I walk by with the carseat, and then they get a glimpse of her and quickly walk away. It breaks my heart. Maybe that’s vain? I don’t know. But it sucks.

So that’s where we are right now. My kids are awesome but I’m struggling emotionally because of something I can’t control, so hopefully what we’re doing works. I feel like it consumes me right now and I want to be done with it so I can just enjoy her again.

Day Five

So. We are five days into being a family of five. Five! Five days seems ridiculously small when you’re talking about something that will be around for the rest of your life, but also incredibly long when you remember being in a moment of feeling that the pain would never end and OMG THIS BABY IS NEVER COMING OUT. So yeah, wow, it’s already been five days since I experienced that and conquered it. Tomorrow is Saturday, and then it’s Sunday, and then Monday morning will dawn, Shelby will go back to work and I’ll be thrust into dealing with three children by myself. Which is, in a word, terrifying.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Lots of people have been asking how the baby is, and how the boys are doing and if they are in love with their sister. The answers are wonderful, pretty good considering, and most of the time.

Avonlea is fabulous and beautiful and perfect. She’s a great nurser, is letting us get a fair amount of sleep and seems to be in perfect working order as far as five-day-old babies go. She’s a pretty chilled out baby, which I’m scared to get excited about since Beckett was such a hellbeast, but I’m hoping our luck continues in that area. Her umbilical stump fell off today and I totally cried because she’s changing so much already and um, wasn’t it just a few days ago that she was still INSIDE ME? Sheesh.

The boys are really doing fantastic, considering their world has just been dramatically interrupted by this tiny pink yelling creature. Sawyer doesn’t seem to be phased much at all. He goes about his day as he normally would, occasionally walking over to ask if he can hold “his baby.” He likes to tell me about the things he’s going to do with her when she’s bigger, his favorites being play tag and drive with his cars. Beckett has been acting out a small bit, but doesn’t seem to be jealous. I’ve been making it a point to give him lots of cuddles and remind him that he’s still my baby too. He’s incredibly sweet and loves to kiss her head, and when she yells he asks, “What did she say?” Too stinkin’ cute.

And Shelby is, of course, amazing. He is the perfect husband and perfect daddy and there are several moments throughout each day that I look at him and am just overcome with emotion at how I got so lucky. That sounds ridiculously cheesy, but guys, this man is seriously the kind you just don’t find very often. He makes me dinner, gets me Dunkin’ Donuts whenever I want and watches the baby in the evenings so I can get a few hours of sleep. Avonlea has him wrapped about a dozen times tightly around her finger and it is absolutely adorable to watch.

And then there’s me. Ha. I’m doing.. okay. Mostly okay. But sometimes not okay at all. Physically, I’m healing rapidly. Thanks to a fabulous waterbirth I have no tears to worry about, which is awesome. I’m not too fatigued and the afterpains are finally gone (HATE those suckers). My belly is shrinking and I’m counting down the weeks until I can start exercising and get my body back. Oh, how I can’t wait to have my body back. I feel so unattractive right now. I know that will come with time though.

Mentally? Emotionally? Well, that’s a different story. The first couple days were great. I felt on top of the world, completely overjoyed with my baby girl and had a constant smile on my face. I was inviting visitors to come see us the day after she was born. My midwife visited on Tuesday and warned that some moms experience a flood of emotions on the third day and I admit it – I fully expected to skip that whole bit.

And then the third day came. With it came the tears. Oh my goodness, the tears. Out of absolutely nowhere and for absolutely no reason. I’d be standing at the counter eating a bite of chicken and just start bawling. I began to feel panicked, anxious, overwhelmed and sad. The What Ifs started flowing in. What if I can’t handle this at all when Shelby goes back to work? What if she’s a high-needs baby like Beckett was? What if I just lose it in the middle of the day and I have no one to call, no one to rescue me?

There is also extreme sorrow over not having my family here, my mom in particular. When Sawyer was born, she had a flexible job and we could go visit her at work every single day. She lived two blocks away and could swoop in any time I needed her, for any reason. Then came Beckett, and although she was working a different job, she was still available almost all the time and if it weren’t for that, I’d have gone insane. So to not have her here at ALL? With a brand new baby? It is killing me. I miss her so much. Nothing could have prepared me for how crippling it is to need someone near you and they just can’t be there in person. Phone is wonderful – she has already saved me more than once just with calming words. But it’s not the same.

Then there is the worry that the mental and emotional havoc I dealt with just a couple months before I got pregnant will return, in the form of horrible post-partum depression. I am scared. I still have my medication and I could easily start taking it again, but the thought of going back down that road of dependency is a double-edged sword. I have a gorgeous, healthy new daughter and a wonderfully supportive family. I should be bursting with happiness and it angers me that I let irrational worries cloud that positivity.

For now, I’m trying to just take it a day at time. Enjoy the moment and not worry about what will come tomorrow, because when it comes, I’ll handle it – do I really have any other option?

Last night was a rough one but today has been good. I have to keep my focus on the good. And right this moment there is a daddy cooing at a tiny little baby as she kicks her feet and gazes at him with her big blue eyes – sounds like something pretty good I don’t want to miss. Goodnight for now.